Add Your (clean) Jokes Here

[trevnhil]

A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman', and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs that she could do..

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said.. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50 ?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house ?'

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it ?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes", the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50, and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.

"And, by the way" the blonde added, "It's not a Porch, it's a Lexus".

[accykeef]

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this principal)

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom... That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.... and then there are educators

[trevnhil]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a
couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to
the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat.. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka
and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she
if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that
she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she
wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
Said....



You'll love this...




Yep. I know you will...





"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[trevnhil]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for
his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story:

'I have an older friend, much like you, who
is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun.


As he neared a lake, he came across a very
large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he
couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as
if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly. ;D

[mpprh]

There must be a joke somewhere in This : www.thevisitor.co.uk/morecambe-news/Cemetery-makes-awards-shortlist.5679700.jp

Peter

[accykeef]

There is but in the interests of good taste we should not go there

[trevnhil]

An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

One more. . ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[coachman]

"Doctor, I think my wife is getting hard of hearing."

"I'll have my nurse make an appointment for her, but in the meantime, there's a simple, informal test you can run to give us an idea how bad the problem is. Here's what you do: start out about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone, say something and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet and so on, until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the living room. In a normal tone, he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So, the husband moves to the other end of the room and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"

Still no response.

Next, he moves into the dining room. "Honey, what's for supper?"

He gets no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again, there was no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Harry! For the fifth time, I said chicken!"