Add Your (clean) Jokes Here

[trevnhil]

A soldier meets a pirate in a bar in Morecambe, and the talk turns to their adventures. The soldier notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch.

"How did you end up with a peg leg?" he asks.

The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the soldier. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible. How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A grapefruit squirted in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to grapefruit juice?"

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the new hook."

[WillowTheWhisp]

His wife didn't complain often, but once, she was having an old fashioned "heart-to-heart" with him and said, "Hun, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you'll try to work on that."

When he came to the last thing he remembered was replying, "I'm sorry, what was that you were saying?"

[coachman]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, but the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little ****** on your knee!"

[accykeef]

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the
cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE U.K. VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building
his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the
summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press
conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be
warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are
cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so,
while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council
of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.

The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall
overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the
squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an
immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the
Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to
the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed.

He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as
builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine
for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to
work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to
furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be
socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the
more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start
building a new home.

The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a
temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get
to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On
arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent
love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking
and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police
fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody.

Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned,
because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats
devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to
maintain the house.

He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed
for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary
to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released
immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.

He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and
supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a
botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.

Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased.

The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's
multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for
failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison.

They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were
infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in
the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing,
the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on
their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for
law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65
because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

[musky]

A man was leaving the newsagents after collecting his morning paper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a lead. Behind him a short distance back were about 200 men all walking in a single file.
The man could not stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My Wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further. But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied. Get in the line.'

[trevnhil]

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job, and the interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes ...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?' '

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our b*****ks, so there's not really any point in you coming in for that. '

[musky]

This is serious. Please BEWARE!

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Tesco's for a bit of shopping has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen. Their large firm young breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It's impossible not to look especially with all the rain we have been having.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another store, in my case, Sainsbury in Ashton. You agree and they both get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing, and both get completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, and 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 6th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this coming weekend.

So Be Warned!

P.S. Tesco have wallets on sale for £1.99 each

[coachman]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In

order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to

purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if

I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me

and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides

she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no

less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her

sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the

telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my

sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need

her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here

so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then

adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,

the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister

one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says , 'I want you to send

her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you

want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to

haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word

'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll

read it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' '

[musky]

It was a sunny Sunday morning on the first hole at Morecambe Golf Club and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a piercing voice came over the Clubhouse loudspeaker. 'Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!' I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, 'Would that MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the MEN'S tee.' I simply ignored the announcement and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: 'Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee back up to the MEN'S tee, PLEASE!'
Finally, I stopped, turned and looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mike. I cupped my hands and shouted back, 'Would the @#$% in the clubhouse kindly shut the f%$# up and let me play my second shot?'

[WillowTheWhisp]

Ever considered pitch and putt musky

[trevnhil]

A new teacher was getting to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl said: “My name is Mary and my Daddy is a postman.”

The next child, a little boy said: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.”

And so it went until one little boy said: “My name is Geordie and my father is a striptease artist in a gay club.”

The teacher gasped and quickly changed the subject.

Later, in the playground, the teacher approached little Geordie privately and asked if it was really true that his dad danced nude in a gay bar.

Little Geordie blushed and said, “No, he’s really a Business Development Director at Northern Rock, but please don't tell anyone.”

Cheers. Trev..

[trevnhil]

ARE YOU MAD.?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: 'How do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized'?

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a
teacup or a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No,' said the Director. 'A normal person would pull out the plug. Would you like a
bed near the window?'

Trev..

PS.... This isn't actually true........

You can't have the bed by the window, cos it's mine.

[accykeef]

Pilot fish is the IT help desk manager at a big insurance company, and a member of his staff kicks a call up to him.

The actuary on the other end of the line is furious. He's trying to send a fax, and the machine, in his words, "will not send the document."

The IT shop doesn't officially support the company's fax machines, but because the actuary is so angry, fish dispatches one of his hardware techs to see if he can help.

Some time later, the tech walks into fish's office with a stunned look on his face. Fish asks what happened.

"All the actuary would say was, 'It won't send the document, I have tried 20 times and it won't send the document,' " tech says.

"I couldn't get anything else out of him, so I asked him to show me.

"He put his document in the fax machine. I watched to make sure he was doing it properly. He dialed in the receiving fax number and hit the Send button.

"We heard the machine dialing and heard the handshaking at the other end. The document read in, one page after another coming out the other side as expected.

"When it was done, he pointed at his document in the output tray and said, 'See -- it won't send it.' "

[WillowTheWhisp]

From US newshound Dave Barry:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.

In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.


Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

[musky]

Two English tourists driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwlgwyngyllgogerychwyrnddrobwyllantysiliogogog they stop for lunch.

One of the tourists asks the waitress," Before we order, could you settle an argument.

Can you pronounce where we are, very,very, very, slowly?"........................

.....The girl leans over and says,

"Burrr-gurrr-king.